Beau Silver

Happy

2012-01-14T21:56:00.001-08:00

Am I "happy"? What does it mean to be happy? When do I feel most happy? Is happiness a fleeting moment? I feel tense and nervous most of the time. Slight unease, not extreme. With brief moments of happiness During times of self reflection. Is that "normal"? What is normal? I feel like "normal" is unhappy. Is this because I have anxiety? I feel pretty ok. I just want to be more relaxed. More happy, more of the time.What is stopping me?Are you happy?I have a lot of irrational fears. Like something is going to go deathly wrong at any moment. Where does that feeling come from? And why can't I get rid of it? I feel like At any moment every person I know could get sucked into a void and I could be stranded on this planet, alone. But it never happens. And I still fear it.Maybe it's all ok. Maybe I'm fine the way I am. Maybe.

Being Middle Aged

2011-12-31T20:03:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am middle aged. 27. I am right in the middle of young adults and old adults. At work, I am the youngest. At school, I am the oldest. What does it feel like to be in the middle? Isolated, although also advantageous. My school friends are in awe that I have a professional career. Compared to my college years, I feel balanced, in good health and in control of my life. But to be just starting a career, well, my friends in school aren't there yet. And at work, everyone is deep into their careers or getting close to the end.

Most people are single, or already married. I'm engaged. Most people have a 'home' with their parents, or have created a home themselves. I am in the middle. People at school respect that I'm old and wise, but I don't quite fit in. People at work admire my youth, but don't fully respect my abilities. I'm able to relate partially to both sides in this stage we call 'coming of age', or as I like to say 'middle-aged'.

My Mantra

2011-12-30T22:05:00.000-08:00

These are the truths that guide my life right now.

Don't eat too much
Probably about 2/3 of what I normally eat
Sometimes a date dipped in cashew butter is enough for breakfast

Systematically indulge in healthier pleasures
Eat sugar that comes from real food
Candy -> Dates and nut butter
-even if that means 4 dates a day, what would I have eaten otherwise?
Cliff Bar -> Larabar (as low as 2 ingredients)
Breakfast Cereal -> Oatmeal with milk, butter and maple syrup
Potato Chips -> Popcorn
Don't hesitate to drink a moderate amount of what makes me feel good:
Alcohol -> 1 glass of red wine in the evening per day (mandatory for relaxing)
Caffeine -> up to 2 cups of Pu-erh / Green tea per day (at least 1 is mandatory for motivation)

Be conscious of diary intake
Consume high quality, low fat milk (Strauss)
Minimize cheese intake to no more than once a day, if at all
Eat yogurt every day - low fat, plain yogurt, with maple syrup

Gluten Free
By eating gluten free, I avoid 90% of the junk-food that exists
-'Should I have that cookie? Oh, I can't. What about that white roll or pizza?'

Eat meat when it's high quality, tasty and fits the occasion
Be relaxed about eating meat once a week (we're omnivores for a reason)

Give my body what it needs:
15 minutes to 1 hour of stretching / Hatha yoga per day
1 Gallon of water per day

Exercise daily with one of the following (unless recovering from previous day):
30 minute run
30 minute bike
pushups or pullups

Increase effort / decrease stress:
Chinese Proverb - 'He who rises before the sun 360 days a year never ceases to make his family rich'
Do extra, work hard, sweat, get frustrated, break through
Strive to be on the tired side rather than the lazy side

When both physical and mental health are aligned, I have about twice as much energy. For the knowledge and will power to make this happen in my life I have to thank yoga, my family, Rachel, Santa Cruz and the countless people in my life that have inspired me to work hard, be healthy and do good.

'Be good, do good' - Swami Sivananda of Rishikesh

anxiety disorder gives me

2011-12-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

anxiety disorder gives me
A palpable sense of wonder
Endless Drive
True passion for love
A relentlessness will to act
Inquisition to seek the truth
Bold integrity
Attention to detail

anxiety disorder gives me
A dark sense of unease
Utter failure
Blind mistrust
Misguided intention
Emotions one step from the edge
No desire to continue

anxiety disorder give me
Beau Silver
Here I am

Who Am I

2011-12-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

Who Am I?

I am Beau Silver
Not if I legally change my name

I am a programmer
Not if I don't write code

I am a son
Not if I become adopted by someone else

I am a lover
Not if I am celibate

I am happy
Not when I'm sad

I am my cognition
Not when I stop thinking

I have muscles
Not if I don't exercise

I am my personality
Not when I change my likes, dislikes and mannerisms

So what about 'me' is permanent? The only answer I can come up with is the essence of myself. And what word to use for that? The spirit? The soul? All I know is that there is something inside that can see what's going on. It sees Beau Silver, struggling to succeed, enjoying going on runs, going to dinner with my partner. It sees my successes and failures, joys and pains. So what is 'this' that I'm referring to? I'm calling it my spirit. It is what lives inside of me, beyond life and death. It is this special spark that makes me alive. When I identify with my spirit, rather than the mind, body and ego of 'Beau Silver', I find life much more pleasurable, and I am much less attached to outcomes. In this way, there is nothing for me to
'change' about Beau, just a shift in the way I relate to him, knowing that he is a huge part of me, but not the whole picture. Beau may never overcome all of his struggles in this lifetime, and that's ok. I wish him luck as a man on this Earth. I'll be watching with patience :)

-The Spirit who currently inhabits Beau Silver

questions lead to questions

2011-08-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

If you were alone, what would you spend your time doing? What is meaningful to you? What if you didn't need to work for money and didn't have any friends or family. Is it important to live in harmony with nature? On the land and with the trees? Would that give you a sense of purpose? How do we connect with the Earth in our modern day society when we're stuck in conference rooms all day?

Am I doing work that is purposeful and meaningful in the world? Am I helping add meaning and wonder to the people I interact with or take it away? What if my partner left me... what would I do? Where do I draw my sense of purpose from? Why am I so afraid?

Are we grasping onto our jobs, schools, friends, families, lovers? Are we grasping onto our job titles, our qualifications, our bodies? Or are we just appreciating them and enjoying the ride? Are we here to help each other or help ourselves?

I have to work to make money. I have a partner that I will soon marry. I have a kitten that needs food. I have a body that plays sports. I have a job that I like and that needs me. I'm accepted to a school that is great. So why do I often ponder my purpose without all of these? Do I define myself through them? Am I worried I will lose them? What if I didn't have these things? What would I be then? Then why do I feel so compelled to participate in everything?

Why does someone decide to have a family? Why do I want to have a family? Do I believe in my ability to handle anything in the future? Has there been anything in the past that I haven't been able to handle?

Why am I asking so many questions?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Because I am seeking the truth.

Where does it come from?

2011-07-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

I just ate a sandwich for lunch. Where did it all come from? Here are the ingredients:

Olive Sourdough Bread (Local Santa Cruz Bakery)
Veggie burger patty (Dr Praegaers, Trader Joe's)
Organic Cheddar Cheese (Trader Joe's)
Organic Lettuce (New Leaf)
Organic Heirloom Tomato (New Leaf)
Vegenaise (vegan mayonaise) (New Leaf)
Hummus (Trader Joe's)

Let's take them one at a time:

Olive Sourdough Bread (Local Santa Cruz Bakery)
Based on the stats, I'm gonna guess the wheat came from the San Joaquin Valley (Fresno) California. It probably arrived in Santa Cruz by truck and was purchased and baked down the street from me in a local bakery. The olives were probably grown in Tulare County, halfway between Fresno and Bakersfield, because %99 of olives grown in the US are in CA

Veggie burger patty (Dr Praegaers, Trader Joe's)
Wow, this one's hard... too many ingredients. Frankenstein!!!

Organic Cheddar Cheese (Trader Joe's)
Cow's probably from the central valley of CA

Organic Lettuce (New Leaf)
Organic Heirloom Tomato (New Leaf)
I have a feeling both of these ingredients are very local to Santa Cruz, possibly from a local farm or CSA like Live Earth Farm

Vegenaise (vegan mayonaise) (New Leaf)
This is where things get tricky... it's main ingredient is Canola oil. What is that?! Canola oil is pressed from tiny canola seeds produced by yellow flowering plants of the Brassica family. Canola was bred naturally from its parent rapeseed. %92 of domestic Canola is grown in South Dakota.

Hummus (Trader Joe's)
These chickpeas are organic, so I'm gonna say they came from a giant organic industrial farm in central california.

Well... it seems like a lot of the food came from CA, which is where I live, but not a ton of it came from Santa Cruz, or even northern California. But think about all the dirt, all over the country, and all over the world, that grew the food you put into your mouth. And the paper plate, and plastic fork, or silverware, or ceramic plate. Just by eating one meal, you are touching and ingesting things from all over the world. How thrilling and fantastic! You are connected with the entire world in one meal. Kinda feels orgasmic.

-Beau

Where did all my money go?

2011-06-03T01:03:00.001-07:00

I was looking at my bank account today thinking "where did all my money go?" I was really worried. Then, I remembered...

A car, a college education, an important piece of jewelry, a yoga teacher's training. We invest our money all the time in relationships, items, concerts, movies, cars, bikes food and all the rest. Normally we think of 'invest' as something concrete. I put money here, and I get it back later. Some things depreciate in value quickly, like a car, but are still very useful and still do hold value. Other things, like gold, tend to hold their value. And then there are internal things, like a college education, a yoga teacher's training, or a non-violent communication class. These improve your quality of life, make you smarter, raise your money earning potential, lower your risk of becoming physically ill (yoga), improve your communication with your partner (causing you to save money overall) and make you happy.

There is also food. This is a funny one. We think of cheap food as unhealthy, like McDonalds, and expensive food, like from a fancy restaurant, or Whole Foods, as healthy. But it's less about Whole Foods, and more about actual whole foods (foods which are whole). A simple, organic diet with decent serving sizes (not overeating too much) is pretty cheap and will save you lots of money in health costs.

Overall, where has my money gone? Maybe there's not a ton in the bank right now, but I have a great education academically, spiritually and health-wise. I have put lots of my monetary value in items that I own, and that's great. And I have a beautiful house, a loving partner, and live in a community that supports me, which is worth more than any dollar amount.

What is true value? Where did all of YOUR money go? Is it in the bank? If not, where is it? How much is too much on your education? 50k? 100k? What is the cross -point between just enough on education and too much?

-Beau

I am

2011-05-08T23:21:00.001-07:00

I am

I am releasing fear and embracing uncertainty
I am letting go of the old and welcoming the new
I am feeling every moment in life to it’s fullest
I am expressed in every breath I expel

I am ignoring sadness that has no merit
I am relaxing into the uncomfort
I am taking control of my life
I am relinquishing to the higher power

I am praised for all of my actions
I am loved as a partner, son and employee
I am taking rest when needed
I am breaking through when necessary

I am me when it is called for
I am what is called for when I must
I am speaking up when I need a voice
I am listening when it’s your turn

I am at peace when I stretch, breathe and sit
I am playful overlooking the ocean’s waves
I am embarked on a journey to nowhere
I am omnipresent with all that is

I am

My moves and Maslow's Hierarchy

2011-02-08T23:57:00.000-08:00

5 Major moves in my life, and how they pertain to Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Maslow describes a hierarchy of needs in the form of a pyramid where, to reach the next level of needs, the previous level has to be met. Like this:

Physiological Needs - food, water, air, sleep
Safety - personal security, financial security, health and well-being
Love and Belonging - friendship, family, love
Esteem - confidence, achievement, respect by others
Self Actualization - full potential

My 5 moves

1. Surviving [Can I get some sleep around here?] [To the Van] (Physiological Needs)

When Shayna and I broke up, I was completely devastated. Totally messed up. I couldn't sleep, I had trouble eating. I would just cry randomly, all the time. And I sure as hell couldn't stay in our apartment. It was the worst there. Full on panic attack stepping in there, or even thinking about going there. My stomach was in a constantly twisted not, and I could was not sleeping well. At this point, I needed to make sure I got food and rest. Just trying to survive. So I did what any reasonable 20 something does after a breakup... couch surf for 3 months. I more or less kept all of my stuff in my van, but never slept in it. I kept all my clothes in a suitcase in the back of the van. I stayed working full time at my job, I showered there, as to not bug my friends. Luckily I had a decent amount of money, so eating out wasn't a problem. So I would go to work, and when work was over, I would just call up a friend and crash on their couch. And if I couldn't sleep, a 24 ouncer of beer would sure do the trick. Not the ideal lifestyle, but basic needs were taken care of.

It felt degrading and embarrassing to always ask my friends for help. They seemed cool with it, though. But it was never a hard choice for me... because it was never a choice. It felt pretty do or die, meaning it couldn't happen any other way.

2. Finding Solid Ground [Where the *uck is the Earth?] (Safety)

Finally after staying in Turner's dorm room at Stanford for like 2 months straight, I knew I was ready for some of my own space. Part of Maslow's 'safety' needs state

"These needs have to do with people's yearning for a predictable orderly world in which perceived unfairness and inconsistency are under control."

I needed to know where the hell I was going to sleep that night! And I needed to be decoupled from what plans my friends had, or if they were out of town, or whatever. I started looking at places in Palo Alto. I had never looked for a place to live by myself before. It was really hard. I looked at a few places... I didn't really feel like they were for me. I was necessarily looking for privacy. I wanted cool roommates, where people were hanging out and doing cool things. I was lectured at one house by an overweight woman "Now don't be bringing different girls home every night." I was thinking to myself "are you out of your mind?". Next please.

The night I found the house I was looking for was profound. I had just visited a room in a house of 'artists'. This lady was in her forties, in a coverall suit, and prancing around the house snorting like a pony. All of a sudden, I was drinking scotch while another roommate chain smoked cigs in the back yard. We stood because the lawn furniture had been completely overtaken by grass. The walls of the room were bright purple.

As I drove away I had to pull over because I was crying too hard to drive. The, all of a sudden, I got a phone call from a place that had previously told me "sorry, we are no longer looking for a roommate." It was Louis. He said I could come look right away. As I entered into the house, I saw yoga stuff everywhere. Not as if I was actually considering the other house, but I weighed out in my mind, energetically "do I want to drink scotch and chain smoke, or learn yoga?". It was a very small room, more like an office. But the rent was like $550. So I took it.

3. Ralmar House - Love / belonging

I was pretty lonely in that house. At least with my friends, there were always people around. Someone to hang out with and talk to. Now, lots of times I was either in the house alone, or in the room alone with roommates I had just met.

It wasn't until Rachel moved out of the that house, that things began to changed. One night Turner and I were riding bikes at like 11 pm and I said "hey, you wanna come see my place? I'll make you spaghetti". It just so happened Rachel was moving out the same time Turner was graduating. I asked him if he wanted to move in, and he thought for a second... it was really convenient timing. And he said yes. I upgraded to a bigger, more reasonable room, and the house vibe changed from strangers living together, to 3 strange dudes. The house felt like a group, and we talked a lot into late nights, and me and Turner hung out a lot. And I felt like I belonged to something and had good friends. The ralmar house.

4. Upgrade - 831 Sevely [How to keep her AND them] - Esteem

This house was no prize. My favorite part was the dishwasher. It wasn't hooked directly up to the pipes, so to drain it would literally shoot water out of the counter into the sink. And if you had pasta draining in the sink at the same time, welcome to soapy noodles. But there were a lot of good memories there. Brewing beer, making fires in the fire place, and general whackiness with the guys. I had been dating Rachel for about 1 year, and yoga ashram life was becoming really tough for her. And our back and forth, San Francisco, Palo Alto, San Francisco, Palo Alto... was getting tiring. So she moved into Ralmar, while we looked for a new place.

It was hard to find anything that satisfied everyone, let alone anyone. But I wasn't willing to lose my roommies or my girlfriend, so everyone had to figure it out. This new house was going to have nice appliances. This new house was going to have a yoga space (at the old house Louis would tear down the living room daily for yoga classes). This new house was going to have 2 bathrooms. This new house was going to be a new start. I was going to feel respectable about this new place. I wanted to host people there. I wanted to be able to invite family over.

And, with the magic of our crazy Real Estate lady, Barb, we got just what we wanted... kind of. Seafoam green, wall-to-wall carpeting and flowery wall paper. But we had a jacuzzi tub, a bidet, a separate yoga room, a big back yard, 2 bathrooms, private entrances, all new appliences. It was great. I felt good about it. I was beginning to gain my respect and integrity back.

5. Santa Cruz [Am I really happy?] Self-actualization

Am I really inspired by where I am now? Or am I just maintaining? Everything is 'ok' now, but is it optimal? What is my highest calling in life? Am I reaching my full potential? With Rachel by my side, I feel like I can really begin to look at those questions. And my best answer so far is that Santa Cruz is a starting point for all of that. Looking back, it all seems like a long journey. Now that I'm here, it doesn't necessarily feel like 'here'. That whole journey is a part of me. And often I still feel stuck in it. But I'm not stuck. I'm moving forward. I want the ocean breeze in my face. I want to live somewhere that inspires me, around people that inspire me. Not just people that want to work and make money.

I really want to be at 1240 in Cocoa Beach, at 2 AM, with the warm ocean mist and a coors lite. What is the equivalent to that for me now? In Santa Cruz, with Rachel, after a hard day at work, doing some yoga poses and going to bed. And jumping in the ocean the next morning.

om

-Beau

Small fish in a big pond

2011-02-07T00:18:00.000-08:00

Today I cried... a lot. It felt really good.

I like being king of the hill. In Cocoa Beach, FL that's how I feel. I remember one time in particular, senior year of high school. I was taking a class at the community college, so regular high school didn't start until 10:30 AM. I had just gone on a run, and I was picking up eggs and potatoes at Robertos Cuban Restaurant. As I was driving my car down the street, I felt with every ounce of confidence that I ruled this town. I knew every street, most of the people, all of the restaurants. I felt like I had it wrapped around my finger. I was a big fish in a small pond. Then, once I moved to Miami, I realized what the feeling of a big scary city felt like. It was too much for me... and I often drove home to Cocoa Beach, sitting in my driveway at 3 AM, feeling the warm salty breeze on my skin, drinking a Coors Lite. I pondered, "why is it so hard for me to be away from here? It's so comfortable and peaceful. I know it like the back of my hand."

After college I moved out to the San Francisco Bay Area. Ever since this move, my mind has just been overwhelmed. Our country is SO big. People here are so smart. Just in San Francisco alone (a measly 50 square miles) there are a million people. In cocoa Beach there are 10,000. And don't forget Berkely, Oakland, Marin, Santa Cruz, San Jose, Palo Alto etc. And here, someone is always going to be smarter than you, making more money than you and more skilled than you. There is no such thing as king of the hill here... unless maybe you are the founder of Google? The silicon valley is the name given to the concentration of tech near stanford, near Palo Alto, Mountain View and San Jose.

So why do I feel so out of place here? I feel like a small fish in a big sea. Like I'm lost in the shuffle. How does someone recreate that feeling of their home town elsewhere? Since leaving Cocoa Beach I feel empty. What is this feeling, and how do I build it back up in the place I have chosen to live my life?

For now I need to create a space for this feeling, and if I'm feeling lonely, just picture myself sitting in front of my house at 1240, watching the seagrapes rustle in the wind, feeling the rocks beneath my bare feet on A1A, taking a warm walk to the beach at 2 am.

-Beau

Miami Update

2010-09-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Hi All,
So I arrived in Miami last nite. I was feeling ok when I left... Rachel was sad because she was going to miss me. But I felt pretty good. Then there was this little knot in my stomach 1/2 way through the plane ride thinking "what the hell are you doing?". All of a sudden I was really lonely and started to have an anxiety attack on the plane. "Turn this thing around" is what I wanted to shout... but didn't.

I landed, Trent picked me up, and it was super weird seeing the difference in architecture, size of buildings, and the HOT muggy night (80 degress @ 9 pm). We got to Trent's, I met his roommates, they were all super nice, and they even offered me gluten free cookies! Trent actually had a picture of me up on his wall in the band we were in in college - the love devils. It was 1 AM, and I told him I needed to go to sleep. As soon as I layed my head down, I got the WORST anxiety I've had in a long time. All of a sudden, I started looking to see how I could change my flight to leave earlier. I did NOT want to be here.

I took a short walk and called Louis. He told me "it's 10 PM CA time, NOT your bed time. Do a full Hatha yoga session, it doesn't matter if you go to bed at 3 AM, you'll get a few hours and sleep and it will be fine." After the phone call I felt much better. I did Hatha, and noticed that if I layed directly on the floor I felt totally fine. I felt ground-ed.

I awoke 4 hours later, feeling refreshed, and Trent drove me to forum. As Colby and I rummaged through the free stuff Avid had sent to UM, I started to feel better, like "this is gonna work". As soon as I got in front of the crowd, I felt GREAT. I got an audio recording. They liked all my jokes, they asked lots of questions, it could not have gone better. I think it was the most healing for me. After the speech, I was flooded with students thanking me and saying "that was such a REAL forum." And "I'm so glad you mentioned salaries... no one ever does that."

Then, after forum, I prepared for my master class. At noon the professors (Joe, Colby and Will) brought Ternt and I to the faculty club for lunch. I was really worried it wouldn't be wheat free. To my surprise, there was rice, ratatoullie, grilled zucchini and salad. Yum. I had to break up an argument about net neutrality to give my lecture.

When I got to the studio at 1, no one was there. Oh no! I though "well, if no one shows up, no big deal. The forum was great." But I was secretly bummed. Then, by 1:30, 10 people were there! They all had a class until then. I gave the master class on the mixing console and everything was a hit. They were smart, attentive, interested and insightful. A great group of MuE's.

Now I'm chilling at Trent's house, waiting to go to the Rat for Friday beers (not sure if I'll drink.. running on 3 hours sleep). That's it for now. I feel greatful for this whole trip.

om

-Beau

w-holeness

2010-08-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

I was at a sufi spiritual gathering led by my friend Britta last night. At the end of a long guided deep relaxation (the longest I had ever done... like 30 minutes) she presented us with a gift. She said "ask for anything right now, and it will be granted." I allowed my mind to relax, and this is the word that came:

wholeness

Then, the 'w' came off and it was 'holeness'. Like "hole-ness", or filled with holes. I am empty, full of holes, and then the 'w' is added and I become whole.

So it wasn't just wholeness I was asking for. It was admitting I am full of holes, 'holeness', and then adding the 'w' and achieving 'wholeness'.

Thanks Britta.

Alone?

2010-08-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Why is it so important in our culture to be 'independent'? Someone might say you actually have a psychological disorder if you don't like being alone. YOU have a problem if you don't LIKE being alone. What if you don't like being around people? What kind of problem is that?

What if the desire to not be alone is a gift. What if there was a person that said "I can't be alone." Then, he would always have company. Maybe that is a gift?

Ok, what about someone that is perfectly fine being alone. What have they gained? What if someone says "I can be alone for a whole month straight and be perfectly fine." What has he gained? Aren't we here anyway to help and interact with each other.

I'm finding it much harder to believe there is huge value in 'independence'. I think it is a conspiracy created by the ego. When the ego doesn't have any other egos to battle with, it always wins. But when there are other people around (other egos), it has to bend, expand, learn, compromise. Alone, it is the king.

Fuck being alone

I always want to be with someone. Preferably, lots of people.

predictable sense of well being

2010-08-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Oh man... I already wrote about this last post! It must be a hot topic in my life. Ok, I'll write what I was going to say, anyway.

What determines our current mood / sense of well being?

Hydration
Sleep
Fatigue
Hunger
Amount of food stuck in our stomach / intestines
Last intake of drugs (sugar/caffeine/alcohol/pot/cigarettes)
The way we breath
Physical health of our bodies
Health of the food we last ate

Conquer these things and I guarantee happiness most of the time. Happiness is a science. Happiness is Yoga.

What decides our mood?

2010-05-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

Our circumstance or our "health"? We often think it's our circumstance, but are we right?

When was the last time you got angry, frustrated, yelled, felt hopeless or were at the 'end of your rope' when you:

Had good sleep
Are taking slow, deep breathes
Ate a good amount of healthy, nourishing food (not too little, not too much)
Recently got a reasonable amount of exercise
You've been having frequent bowel movements

When you do all those things right, you will never freak out. Even when something totally crazy happens, you will just say "That's ok. It will all be ok."

Conversely, when you got 5 hours of sleep for 5 days in a row, you're hungry and on a sugar high from coffee, you're a little hung over, you haven't exercised in a while, and that burger and fries is sitting heavy in your stomach because you haven't pooped for 2 days, then some little teeny, thing goes wrong, something that is not even a problem, you grit your teeth, start pacing, and you will even yell at someone you love.

Wait... it can't be that simple... so you're telling me that every time we are 'happy' or 'angry' is really completely in our control? No, no... it must be dependent on outside circumstances. Well if this is true, then why would 1 person explode if the person next to them if tapping their finger loudly on the desk and another person say "It will be alright, we'll figure it out" when their house burns down?

Do a test for yourself. Monitor the next time you feel peaceful, and answer all of the above questions about health, then monitor the next time you feel totally angry and out of control, and also answer those questions.

The next step is, if what I said is true, which I'm not yet claiming, you are completely on control of your mood, NOT your circumstances. If that's true, then the key to happiness is taking good care of yourself.

peace love om

-Beau

Goals of fasting?

2010-05-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

There are many different goals for fasting. Here are a few:

To clean out toxins
To empty the bowels/intestines
Because you're curious what it feels like
To appreciate food
To lose weight
For spiritual reasons
For better overall health

My reasons were:
To empty the bowels/intestines
For better overall health
To appreciate food

Why have you fasted? What are bad reasons to fast? What are the best reasons to fast? Why should you NOT fast? How many days should you fast for?

Stanley Burroughs, who wrote "the master cleanser", says 10 days minimum. Swami Satchidananda from Integral Yoga says 3-5 days. They both say 'once the tongue is clear'. 2 Days worked well for me. 1 day, and also just the morning of one day, all work very well for me too. How many days is too much? What's the minimum time that is still beneficial? How many days before it's too much?

om

-Beau

What else is there to food?

2010-05-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Chewing?! Mastication?!

Breaking down your food pre-stomach, I'm finding, is vitally important. We don't have 3 stomachs, like cows, apparently. This may not be so big of a problem for you, but it is a giant problem for the chewing-impaired (mainly, me).

It's been helping me very much in a few ways. First, I never feel 'full' when I'm eating. I think this is partially because I'm not tasting the food completely... I'm swallowing it whole. The texture and taste of chewed up food was actually quite new to me. I chewed my food for about 30 seconds, maybe 50 chews, and then it was all mushy, and kinda weird, and the flavor changed. But then, after the whole meal, and all the chewing and the flavor that had touched my tongue from extra chewing, I felt much more satisfied and full.

Second, I felt much less tired after a meal that is well chewed. The bottom line is this: either way, the food is breaking down and coming out. Do you want it to break down at the door (the mouth)? or once it has entered the house? Either your jaw will do the work, or your stomach, or your intestines. If your jaw does the work, it's all done up front. If your stomach does the work, it will take a lot of energy from the body and you will feel very tired after eating. If your intestines do the work, you will be constipated, and feel tired, anxious or weak for a while. It seems like doing the work upfront with the jaw is the best bet.

-Beau

Lessons from Fasting

2010-05-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

Conclusions from doing a fast for 2 days.

Here's what I did - the master cleanse for 2 days, Saturday and Sunday, and since I'm allergic to lemons I used organic, pure bottled cranberry juice. Here's how to make the drink:

2 tblspoons - cranberry juice (usually fresh lemon)
2 tblspoons - maple syrup
pinch of cayenne
10 oz of water

supplemented by Senna tea for a mild laxative, and I drank salt water sunday morning, which made gave me extreme diarrhea for an entire day (i would recommend against this). I also didn't like the cayenne. I broke into it with fruit Friday night after eating a heafty lunch, and broke out of it with fresh carrot/apple juice monday morning, potato and lentil soup for lunch, and brown rice, fried tofu and eggplant for dinner.

Conclusions:

Food is everything. Food is not everything.

What?!

Someone who is fasting is almost guaranteed to not fight or argue with you. Your whole mood comes from what you eat. Also, we eat much more than we need to. Swami Satchidananda says (paraphrasing) "A yogi can be healthy off 1 meal a day. And 2 meals a day will cause no harm. 3 meals a day will put you in the hospital." We really need to eat much less then we think we do. i'm not talking about starving yourself, I'm just saying we often eat when we don't need to.

After the master cleanse weekend, my entire life will never be the same. I definitely only need 2 meals a day, lunch and dinner, with a light breakfast. And only either lunch OR dinner can be really big and heavy. So that's 1 super light meal - breakfast (maple syrup drink, an apple, or a piece of toast). Then either a heavy lunch and a light dinner, or a light lunch and a heavy dinner. With a few snacks, cashews and sesame sticks, fruit tea, raisins etc, in between.

And when you're 'really' hungry, always eat. Let the hunger bite at you a little bit, for 15 minutes or so, really feel the hunger. Appreciate it. Thank it. Then eat.

But expect to feel different. You will have less rajasic energy. You will be more mellow, more 'level'.

Then, I ate lunch at work, with my work 'tribe'. We got mexican food. I had 1/2 a beer on tap and nachos with beans and melted cheese. Later that day, I had a ton of 'energy'. I was playing my drums aggressively, riding my bike home fast and being very playful. I realized it was specifically because of the food I ate. Where did all of this 'energy' come from?

Conclusions

someone fasting / eating only fruits and nuts / eating steamed veggies and not on coffee / alcohol / cigarettes is very likely to not smash their fist in your face.

someone eating meat / deep fried tofu / drinking soda / eating eggs / eating lots of cheese / drinking alcohol and coffee may have a much shorter temper and is going to be influenced by their diet to argue with you.

So, I ask you, what energy do you want to fuel yourself with? Well, for me, if I'm running 5 miles or playing my drums at a live concert, I want all the exciting energy from heavy food. If I'm teaching yoga that night, I want the calming energy of eating light.

If I want to be creative at work, play music sometimes, ride my bike to work, listen to my partner with peace, make passionate love with my partner, and listen to others at work patiently, I want a mix of both kinds. Maybe one heavy meal a day or every two days, 1 alcohol a week, a few green tea's, fresh fruit every day and fast (master cleanse) 1 day a week.

Is food the only influence on our mood and quality of life?!

NO! A faster can still be a jerk. A 'regular' food eater can still have infinite love and compassion. Just know that food has a huge influence on us, and integrate it into your life to bring more joy.

-Beau

What is stable?

2010-03-09T14:49:00.000-08:00

What does is truly mean to be stable? In a general sense, one may think the following things would mean that a person is stable: they have money, they have a consistent job, they have a college degree, they have a girlfriend, etc.

What does stability really mean? The dictionary says:

1. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed;
2. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation
3. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring
4. Enduring or permanent;
5. Consistently dependable; steadfast of purpose.
6. Not subject to mental illness or irrationality:

Have you ever heard people say things like "he seemed pretty normal... he had a job, a girlfriend, he was a respected political figure, he was a priest" when talking about someone that "went off the deep end". That leaves me to ponder, what does it really mean to be stable?

I know lots of people that are "resistant to change", "not subject to fluctation", and "Enduring or permanent". To be honest, I would not like to be any of those things. The only definition of stability that I like is "consistently dependable, steadfast of purpose". I would say that "not subject to irrationality" sounds ok, but what do you consider rational? Think about a big business executive or a car salesman, is what they do rational? Is drinking coffee every day rational? Is being angry or mean to people rational? Is yoga rational? the idea that there is an alternate consciousness that is always peaceful... is that rational? Is love between a mother and child rational?

Often times people think that expressing your emotions outwardly is a sign of instability. It would not be 'normal' for me to cry at work, they might say 'wow he's unstable', but maybe the guy in the office next to me is holding onto his emotions so tight that he will burst and get a prostitute or something crazy. What about 'getting ahead'? It's true that having money will provide a certain amount of stability. But what about personal relationships? What about treating your body to good food and exercise?

Here's my definition of stability:

Having compassion. Showing your emotions. Giving love. Being true to your personal principles. Standing up for yourself in a loving way. Being passionate. Being not afraid to cry. Knowing that nothing is knowable. Slowing down and taking your time. Building strong personal relationships with your friends and family. Minimal use of drugs (caffeine, alcohol, marijuana). Being forceful when necessary. Getting up and going. Paying attention to how your actions effect others around you. Give, give, give. Surrounding yourself with people that you believe are doing the right things in the world. Totally falling apart. Being lost and scared. Knowing that you do not have everything figured out. Not being scared to try something new. Being spontaneous and crazy. Alway being ready for change. Handling extreme fluctuation with grace.

A lot of the preconceptions about being 'stable' often leave people emotionally inept, and with things and people and a career that they don't want.

Stability does not just mean financial or with a career... stability is a measurement of your ability to love.

How is your ability to love?

exercise helps depression

2010-03-04T10:38:00.000-08:00

'nough said.

om

-B

The domino effect of a nose

2010-03-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

Just from a nose?

Tension causes constipation causes muscle pains causes anxiety causes disruption of thoughts causes yuck.

Soar throat causes not eating causes hunger causes weight loss causes drinking of whole milk causes blockage of nasal passages.

salt water in the nose causes I can breathe again causes relaxation causes bowl motion causes muscles to relax causes ahhh :)

the domino effect of a nose.

-Beau

we create our world

2010-03-01T14:33:00.001-08:00

As I was sitting at work, drowned in negativity, for a few seconds I felt a dark, rainy cloud, a few feet in front of my, overhead. This was that negativity. And it is that cloud, from a particularly jarring event in my life, that I carry with me every day. And through it, I create my reality. I see people and life opportunities through that dark cloud. It rains down on me, and I transfer it to other things in my life, and other things reflect it back to me.

All except for the reflecting back part... it's amazing, no matter what I put out into the world, it seems like so much positivity comes back. I must be lucky or something.

Anyway, we all have clouds, or different filters we see the world through, and they literally create our world. Literally. We are scared, we react that way to someone else, they show us fear back. We are friendly, warm, compassionate and others act that way too. This can be most easily seen through Rachel.

We ALWAYS get free stuff at restaurants. It's been happening an unusually high amount lately. She always takes the time to ask the waiter hey they are doing, and takes a genuine interest in their well being. She gives sincere thanks and really engages them, asking them what their favorite thing on the menu is. And she always brings me to family run places, places that are not busy, where people have time to relax, and interact. Does she do this because she thinks it's the right thing? No. It makes her happy. To connect with people. To feel compassion for people, and to interact in a loving way. It's what comes most naturally to her. And almost every time, like a jerk, I am just trying to get some information, or get something for myself and move on, but she stops and listens, and talks, and we always get either something free or some piece of extremely useful information ( for example "Oh, that park is closed due to whether... take this road instead to see a beautiful view of the beach", etc...).

The world is truly what we create of it, so please take some time and see what is effecting your perception of the world.

Time

2010-02-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

it's amazing how we perceive time to be linear, but in reality it is
not that way at all. Time is continuous, we are constantly
experiencing past and future events in the present. I just merged
with a past time I had in college. Seeing a therapist, she asked me
"what do you do to relax?" And I didn't have an answer. I was
hopeless. I had no idea what to do to calm down and feel peaceful. I
thought "how do I fix this problem?" I had NO idea. Not a single
person had the answer for me. "read a book, go to the pool, exercise,
rest". None of those made any sense. This was right about the time
in my life where things were beginning to swirl and spiral in a
negative way.

Fast forward to this current moment, where I can feel the entire
universe sending healing prana to my sore throat with every breath,
laying on the floor of my room, it's about noon and all I've done is
drink tea and Hatha (laying in Savasana for about 10 minutes between
each pose), and I realize that I have the answer for me - yoga. As I
realize this, I think about how much ego I had when Rachel was telling me to take better care of myself and I would yell "Im doing the best i can!"

So if I can experience both of those moments, the non-rest in college,
and the current rest through yoga in California, at the exact same
time, it means that the perception that time is linear is an illusion,
and that all past, present and future events can all be accessed at
any time.

So here I am in with my throat all jacked up. This means that I am in
silence, and not eating very much (fasting). Haha, I have landed
myself completely in a retreat, without knowing it, and putting up as
much resistance as I possibly could have, but finally being overtaken
and accepting the wonderful, beautiful rest.

This is a very peaceful and enjoyable day. I couldn't have executed
this so gracefully without Rachel.

-Brahma

Is a mirror a true reflection?

2010-02-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

I was brushing my teeth today and looked in the mirror. I realized something really strange. The words on my T-Shirt were backwards. Back - Words. It was completely unreadable. So than I looked at what should be my left eye in the mirror. I winked my left eye in real life, and the mirror of me blinked its right eye. Am I going f***ing crazy?! How have I never realized this before. It has to do with perspective. But the idea hit me, that a mirror is actually not real at all. It is actually completely a backwards reflection. Back - Words.

If you are familiar with Swami Satchidananda's book 'to know yourself', he talks about mirrors in the first chapter. He says "If the mirror should be distorted or crooked, the image you see will be crooked too. Will you run to the Dr crying. 'Dr there is something wrong with my face!' The Dr says 'There is nothing wrong, you are beautiful'.
'But I saw a horrible picture'. He brings another mirror that is undistorted and clean and shows you: 'look at your face.' 'My God, I saw a horrible face in my mirror, now it's so beautiful.' No you would not do that."

His point is that you are always beautiful, and anytime you feel negativity or pain about yourself is because the mind is distorted, just like a distorted mirror.

But isn't a mirror distorted by definition? If I hold up a book to a mirror, and the words are all completely scrambled backwards, what does this mean about my reflection?! Taken literally, it means that a mirror is the opposite of how I look. Oppose - It.

Mirrors are NOT true reflections. In fact, they are completely backwards, and should not be used as a reference to look at ourselves. Can we ever really look at ourself? Only through a mirror, or a reflection off the water. We can ONLY ever see our reflection, but not ourself. Because our eyeballs are screwed into our head. What about a video? That's just a bunch of electrons shooting at a glass screen, or liquid crystals (LCD).

I can never truly SEE myself. Damn... that's crazy. I will never see myself. I hope that I can get to know myself. This must be done without the eyes.

-B

Isn't life amazing?

2010-02-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

I am just now starting to see the ups and downs of the day, and really starting to appreciate them. How have I gone my entire life without seeing daily, weekly and yearly emotional cycles? Let me explain a few situations.

For example, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. But, every morning, somehow, I get up, I'm a little late to work, and worry about that, and then suddenly I'm there. How fun?!

Trying to get through the slump of the middle of the work day. I try music, I try chocolate, I try caffeine, I try talking on the phone, I try working, I try sleeping, I try anything you could possibly think of. And you know the answer? There isn't one. The answer is watching that cycle come and go. Hilarious.

Wanting so badly to talk to my loving partner at night. The desire to share with her, and hear her voice, the anxiety that maybe she'll go to bed without me getting to talk to her, the elation when I get to talk to her or see her, the love I share and the saying of goodbye, or goodnight. If I don't talk to her maybe I feel crappy, or I feel just fine, and if I do I usually feel high, but maybe I feel kinda funny. Life is so full of this.

It's my goal to watch and truly feel all of these ups and downs. But to not feel trapped in them, just watching them. But that doesn't mean to not experience them. If I'm really watching them from a distance, I think that's when I can truly experience them 100 percent. Life is so funny.

Who would have thought that the purpose of all ISN'T for everything to be perfect? Guaranteed, that's not going to happen. The purpose is to ride the ups and downs, difficulties and easy rides, and have fun with it.

I just remembered that I stopped therapy a few weeks ago. It feels so amazing to not need it anymore. I could do it, but I don't NEED it. I don't mind it, I will go for as long as I need. It's just nice to not NEED it. That means I'm managing my life well.

om

-B

Water Cooler

2010-01-28T09:48:00.001-08:00

i was pouring water from the water filter at work today and I finally took notice of something funny. The water comes in 'room temperature' (sattvic) and it is both heated to a boil and cooled to almost a freeze, leaving no water left at the original temperature. Then, I have to mix cold and hot water back together to get something that is drinkable. I can fine tune the ratio - do i want perfectly room temp? do i want mildly hot, mildly warm, scolding hot?

This is just like my life. I want the middle path, but I draw from both hot and cold, mix them together, and hope I get the right temperature. A little punk rock music (hot), a little hatha (cool). A little green tea, a little meditation. A little social activity, a little inward focus. A little pasta late at night, a little fasting in the morning. A little getting to bed on time, a little staying up late hanging with friends. A little spending time worrying about nothing, a little feeling relaxed and at peace.

I wish I could say I would like to fine tune this so that things are the middle path all the time, but I really like the heat and cold. It makes life fun and different, gives variety, changes my emotions and gives me life. I'll let you know when I figure it all out... haha.

gotta go now for a lotta doing some work. thanx for listening.

Enlightened being in Portland?

2009-12-02T21:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in 'my religion is the best.' 'My yoga is the best.' 'Eckhart Tolle is the best.'

And then I meet someone like Robert, Turner's brothers friend. He came to Thanksgiving dinner with Tyler, Turner's brother. On the car ride home he was showing me his artwork. I was thumbing through it, and all of a sudden there was this one picture of a few abstract people with the words mind, body, soul and a few other spiritual concepts. Then he started talking about how everything happens for a reason, and all we can do is try our best in life. Honestly I don't exactly remember what he said, but you know when you get that feeling, like 'this person is speaking the truth about life?' Once you know the truth, you get a weird feeling every time you here someone speak it, and you know it's the truth cause it's all the same shit. Well I got that feeling from him. I asked him who he follows, if anyone, and he said he does follow Karl Jung, a psychologist. I just wikipedia-ed him and this is what it said:

Jung emphasized the importance of balance and harmony. He cautioned that modern people rely too heavily on science and logic and would benefit from integrating spirituality and appreciation of unconscious realms. He considered the process of individuation necessary for a person to become whole. This is a psychological process of integrating the conscious with the unconscious while still maintaining conscious autonomy

Wow. Anyway, Robert is awesome. A guy from Montana that moved to Portland so people would accept his piercings and tattoos and so that he could make his art. My hat is off to you, Robert, for figuring out some real shit in life without any particular central guidance.

My guidance is through Eckhart Tolle, and then specifically through Integral Yoga. om.

-Beau

PS - Deepak Chopra is now on twitter, and people will ask him questions like 'is there any way to the truth while still maintaining my christian beliefs?'. And he answers that day. I love technology.

devastation

2009-12-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

complete and utter devastation. terrible, terrible, pain. horror. despair. panic. hopelessness.

These are all the feelings that I have felt in the last 2 years on a daily basis. If I go an entire day without feeling any of this, it will surely creep up on me the next day. Slowly I have been able to lift from the fog, step by step, a ray of light, another ray of light, pokes through. This last week or to, with my trip to Florida and Portland, a straw broke the camels back and something has changed forever.

Finally, only a bit out of the fog, I am actually able to look back and realize how devastated I was. Panic attack disorder? ya right... my feelings were really that hurt. If someone stabs you in the face and you scream, are you diagnosed with pain in the face disorder? No, you are actually in that much pain. Well my pain was real. I wasn't panicking for no reason... my whole heart, body and sole were completely broken. Only now can I say that with confidence. Sorry to be so dark, I wish that life weren't so dark sometimes, but that's the way things are. Purification through pain, it's a sutra in the yoga sutras of patanjali. With the mourning of pain, I hold my head high, not forgetting, but feeling every feeling that I am entitled to. Knowing that nothing is wrong with me, except that I give my entire being to every person I know, and for that am susceptible to devastation. And I refuse to change.

-Beau

What is reality?

2009-09-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

Our perception is usually interpreted as reality... 'our' reality.

'The sky is gray today, oh look, how sad. What a sad day.' While your neighbor is thinking 'I'm so glad the weather has cooled off, look how it's ready to rain to feed the plants. What a glorious day.'

'I called everyone, and it looks like no one wants to hang out with me. I am so alone.' Where in reality, your roommate is in the garage on the phone, just waiting to come hang out in a second. So, you are feeling lonely, or alone, and then the moment that person makes contact with you, you feel connected and happy. But what was happening the moment before they opened the door... were you really alone? Weren't you really connected the whole time, and your perception just changed?

Sitting alone at work, thinking 'O man, I'm gonna get fired. I know it. I'm doing a terrible job, my boss never tells me he likes my work...' Then, a group of bosses walks over to your office, you're thinking 'Oh, here it comes...' and they give you a promotion and offer to take you out to dinner that night. Did reality every truly change? No... your perception of it changed.

I'm working on having a more neutral and realistic 'reality', not one tainted or colored too much by my own perceptions, not wavering moment to moment, positive, connected, alive, radiant, and grounded.

om

How to attract a partner / keep your partner?

2009-08-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm definitely not the expert, but here's my best answer.

Be peaceful. Hold your own peaceful space. Do everything in your life that makes you a better person. Breath in every molecule of oxygen and know that it is energizing your body so that you can serve the world. This will fill you with glowing light.

Always do the right thing. If there's trash on the ground, pick it up. If someone needs help, stop and help them. Fill your body with healthy food from a store that is doing right things for the world. Spend your time saying good things about others. Allow your own personal passions for life to develop.

This energy will be VERY directed... it will drive away the wrong people, and attract the right people. Either way, it is the right thing.

Wow... what a holistic view of the universe. Now THAT is a lot of responsibility. But take it easy and do what you can, and people will love you for who you are.

who suffers from our laziness?

2009-08-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

do the people around us really notice when we're being lazy? Do they say 'I can't believe how LAZY you're being." No, that doesn't happen. We are the sufferers. When we don't try our hardest, everyone else still goes on, not really noticing. It's us that suffer the consequences. From the outside, we may even appear very productive. But who does that benefit?

We know the truth inside ourselves. The hardest when we truly realize what we're capable of. To really know what we can accomplish. Than it is easy to realize what we are not accomplishing, and it makes it difficult to be lazy. Even though I want to be lazy sooooo bad, the world doesn't let me. We need to be true to our inner light and let the vibrant energy shine through, because it wants to so bad :)

self conscious - Self Conscious

2009-07-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

define both words on their own:
self - The essential being of a person
counscious - fully aware

Here's the definition when you combine both words:
self conscious - excessively aware of being observed by others

How do these words go from being aware of one's being to becoming excessive of what other's around you think? I don't see any mention of 'others' in the separate definition of either word. I think the secret lies in what we consider our 'self'.

If I only identify with my body, my intelligence, my skills and my abilities, then I very well may be worried about what others think of these things. If my body doesn't look like the bodies on TV and in magazines, and someone else sees that and 'judges' me based on that, my feelings will be hurt. They may not even like 'me' at all, if 'me' is defined by how my body looks.

On the other hand, if I identify with my True self, the presence and consciousness behind my body and mind, the essence of who I am, anything 'wrong' with my body and mind is not a true reflection of that self. Therefor I don't have to be self conscious of what others think of my body and mind.

When people, friends, family, or partners, love You, your essence, the spirit behind the body and mind, there is never a reason to be self conscious.

So once you become conscious of your True Self, there is no reason to be self conscious. Become Self-Conscious to rid yourself of being self conscious.

Oh, and if you want a people filter, do stupid things that would make normal people self conscious, like run around naked and say silly things all the time. It will work as a great people filter. People that would judge you based on your body and mind will easily stop staying around you, while those who like you for your True Self will stick close by.

conscious of oneself or one's own being.

Conditional Love

2009-07-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

Conditional love is kind of like hair conditioner. You put it in, and rinse it out when you feel like it. It means "I 'love' this person, until they do something that I deem unsuitable, inconvenient, embarrassing or until something 'better' or more exciting comes along." THAT is not love. If someone conditionally loves you, you must always keep your composure, making sure to never tread in the wrong water, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing... the worst thing you can do is show your True Self. If you let your true personality show, you will show fear, weakness, anger. And all these things, under conditional love, convey weakness.

What is love? Love is synonymous with unconditional love. They go hand-in-hand. Love is loving another person without conditions. It is important to stand up for unconditional love and support. This is not just with traditional relationships. It is with friends, family, coworkers, strangers, etc. Don't stand for others conditional love. Say "you're not supporting me right now." And always give unconditional love... to your friends, family, boss and partner. When someone falters, say "Oh, they must REALLY need MY love now. I will give extra support."

I think the pivotal point is when you decide you will love someone unconditionally. After that moment, for me, everything is different. It is really hard for me to be angry at that person, because in the end, its all ok. It's like your soul loves their soul, and whatever the bodies do is ok. My roommate didn't do the dishes? He's my brother, it's ok, I will do them. My lover was quick-tempered? Oh, well I better pour more love on her now when she needs it.

Love is something we give to the world with no circumstance, no rules, no logic, no expectation, no conditions. It is just love.

coffee machine - modern day drug dealer

2009-06-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

Coffee, it's not so bad. Right? It's legal. Everyone's drinking it. That means it MUST be ok. People drinking it seem to be ok. Well, at least it gets work done, right? Ya, ya... it helps me. It helps us. Really, coffee is truly helping us get work done. And work is good, right? If we didn't 'work' we would be lazy. Ya... ya... good. By the way, I'm feeling tired and I kinda have a headache. Does anyone have some coffee?

There is a machine that pumps out espresso after espresso, boxes piled on top of boxes. It pumps 'energy' into all working software engineers. I just take this for granted... ya, it's there everyone uses it, no big deal (certainly I don't use it). Last time I drank espresso I was tweaking out so hard my heart was going to beat of my chest. I brought Rachel to Smule, Turner's company, where Turner has been working over the weekend non-stop. He, luckily, doesn't drink too much coffee, but on the way out she saw an espresso machine. No big deal. And about 15 boxes of espresso, all empty sitting next to the machine. No big deal. And people working and working and working... wait a second. This is NOT ok. She was like 'Oh my god, this is crazy'. Well at least ***its just smuileAnd for the first time I realized that it is completely insane. My once normal view of what was totally ok now changed to not acceptable. It's just become socially acceptable by techy nerds that need caffeine. That alone does NOT make it ok.

espresso machine = legal, modern day drug dealer.

first yoga class

2009-05-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

co taught my first yoga class today. i taught the intro. it went well. i was a little nervous, but i was told i had good chanting presence.

glasses

2009-05-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

what glasses do you view the world in?

Pain? Bliss? Anger?

We all view the world through a self inflicted lens. if that lens happens to be pain, we will see pain all around us. we can even do good, see good, and we still see and feel pain. would you purposefully choose those glasses? what other kinds of glasses exist? I would like to take off my pain glasses, and put on bliss glasses.

since its my conscious choice, I'm going to put on bliss and compassion glasses. everything i see will be through those two lenses :)

Yoga Studying

2009-04-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

Man, I totally had my ego crushed at my yoga teachers training this Saturday. I haven't been studying nearly as much as I would like to, and we played the 'sun salutation game'. In a circle, we took turns guiding the group through each step of a sun salutation. This was really my 'failed pop quiz', even though I knew it was coming. I am really going to take this yoga TT much more seriously from here on out. Before, it was a challenge just to make it to class all week. Now, the super charge begins, and I'm going to sprint to the end (for the next 10 weeks :). Alright, gotta do some studying. Any of my free time (and not so free time) for the next 10 weeks is gonna be spend studying.

pain attachment - projection?

2009-04-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I enjoy being in pain. Suppose, by random chance, I had an entirely perfect week, woke up every day feeling great, had a good time at work, and went to bed happy. I would say 'this can't be right? I'm not ok. Sadness and anxiety are a part of my daily life. Something MUST be wrong. The only way I can overcome this is if I can learn to let go and realize that it's ok for me to be happy. I must detach from my pain, however comfortable it may feel. Thanks Eckhart and Satchi.

Moving on, someone told me at yoga class that I 'seem' to be ok, and was surprised to hear that I'm going through a lot in my life right now. That is actually the second time I have heard that. Louis told me that too. I must be projecting something wrong. Or maybe it's others' projections of me. I think I have some responsibility in this matter, though. Do I pretend to be perfectly normal and fine all the time? How does someone look from the outside? I've been told 'you have a great job, have a girlfriend, blah blah blah, seem to be doing ok. Really? Things aren't completely great?' Is that just an assumption on their part? No, no... I have to take responsibility for this. I must be projecting this.

So what do I need to project then? If you look at me, should you think 'this person is a complete mess, totally falling apart'. Wait, that can't be good. Ok, so, here are two things I don't want people to think about when they see me
1. This guy has the perfect life with no problems
2. This guy is a complete mess and falling apart.
Ok, glad I established that. So what is it that I want people to think about me?
1. This guy is very compassionate and caring
2. This guy is trying hard to do what he thinks is right for himself and in the world
3. This guy is not perfect, has hardships and difficulties, and I can relate to him.
4. Sometime this guy is totally not ok, and needs help from others.
5. This guy is loving, and is looking for intimate conversation about life.
It seems like I can project these qualities in a different way than I've been projecting qualities that make people think I'm 'perfectly fine'.

Is anyone perfectly fine? Does anybody project this? I think so. Do I project this? I hope not. Ideally, I wish to project the following message: "It is safe to share with me your intimate feelings about yourself, life and the world."

I think I'm in my 'mind' so much, that I'm not aware of what I project. I will try to be more aware of this, it seems really important.

Beau Yin - Beau Yang

2009-04-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that my house on Ralmar ave. is a place for me to learn about a new lifestyle. In order to help me with this, I've been given a Beau - Yin and Beau - Yang.

Yin on wikipedia is associated with the following terms: slow, soft, insubstantial, diffuse, cold, wet, tranquil, feminine, the night. Louis, my yoga instructing roommate, is my Yin. Of course he does not fit all these qualities (especially when he was literally punching and tackling me upon his arrival home last night), he is the most spiritually minded person I've ever been close to. He lived with the Hare Krishna's for 7 years, and since then practices and teaches yoga full time. He gives me a tranquil energy and shows me truly how to live a spiritual life, leading by example.

On the other hand, Yang is associated with the following words: hard, fast, solid, dry, focused, hot, and aggressive, masculinity and daytime. I wouldn't exactly say that he always exhibits these qualities (especially when he asks for hugs before bedtime) but, my opposing roommate Turner is a perfect balance of Yang. He does not particularly define himself as spiritual, but somehow exhibits so many qualities and beliefs that overlap with my own spirituality. He reminds me that the concepts of love, freedom, rebellion and non-attachment are not limited to any particular philosophy (yoga, zen, suphism) but lie in any person that is seeking the truth. He keeps me in reality.

So, with yin practicing yoga, eating rice and carrots, riding his bike everywhere, being the epitome of humble, and always being loving, and yang being wild, adventurous, passionate, creative and always being loving, I have Beau-Yin and Beau-Yang. Of course, I realize that I'm assuming the world centers around me. Well, for my reality it does.

Shared qualities? Both Beau-Yin and Beau-Yang posses the following shared qualities: almost completely abstaining from drugs, spend very little money, and have very little concern with food (and that is similar for most physical pleasures), and both strive to involve community in their lives.

When a conflict comes up, I get different answers from both Yin and Yang, but with the same purpose. If someone is bothering me, Yin will be me "that is your perception of them". And Yang will tell me "Fuck that guy". Actually, they both have the same underlying point, and the way of communicating it is different, both being super useful.

Actually, thinking back, Louis doesn't hardly ever give me advice... haha. He is so humble, he just listens, and barely comments.

Ok, enough for now :) I think you get the point. Even with all the Yin and Yang opposing forces, it wouldn't be uncommon to find the three of us both brawling it out in the living room, and hugging before bed. To this statement, Yin would say "aww..." and Yang would say "GAY!"

Beau

Warrant for my arrest

2009-03-23T09:58:00.001-07:00

Alert! I have a warrant for my arrest! I'm a criminal!

I got a ticket for having a headlight out. I got the headlight fixed, but never sent in the ticket. I finally sent it in 3 months later, and I got a letter back, with a warrant for my arrest, asking me to either pay $300 or make a court date. I asked them on the phone what that meant, and they said I could be arrested, although I 'probably' won't, because they are usually too busy. So, for having a headlight out on my vehicle, and being late on a $10 fix-it ticket, I can be thrown in jail or fined $300. So I have to miss work, make a court date (this must be done in person), and then go to the court date, to try to get it lowered. He said making the court date 'voids' the warrant. So until this afternoon, I'm a criminal.

Not just completely trying to vent, but I thought the law and police were here to aid us in living our lives. They should be here to help us. It seems that this is really an abuse of power, and if they are throwing people in jail for non-moving traffic violations, no wonder our courts are overflowed. There is a huge problem with the legal system. Anyway, I just really wish that for the sake of everyone involved, the police, the judge, myself, and the people of san francisco, it really makes much more sense to let me pay $10, and not waste everyone's time with being thrown behind bars. No wonder I'm scared of police and court. Well, as long as they have me in fear, I will be a drone.

I refuse to be in fear, or angry. I am going to deal with this as a concerned adult citizen of my country and calmly approach this whole situation, and not let it make me lose my peace.

relationships

2009-03-18T14:03:00.001-07:00

what is sexuality? What is an intimate relationship? What is a best friend? Can these things exist independently of each other? Since being an adult, I haven't found any of my sexual relationships to be expanding me as a person, spiritually, socially, intellectually, or even intimately. As a teenager, I learned how to be intimate, share feelings, and coordinate with some one else in a relationship. Now that my life goals have gone to the next step as an adult, no relationships have been able to feed my need to figuring out what the next step is in my life and what is important to me in the world: yoga, community, health, etc. When I look back, I do realize little pieces of learning from each person I have been intimately involved with. But the whole life picture has not been there yet, meaning, the trajectory that my life is raging forward towards seems to be far off from my partners'.

I have found this lately with close friends, family, coworkers and housemates. We have a ton of overlap in values and goals. And I am really able to be honest and open to these people. So what is important to me in any relationship these days, friendship, housemate, coworker, family, etc? That it helps me positively get to the next mark of where I'm going in my life. If this sort of thing happens in a sexual relationship, well, good, but it really has to be organic, and I am skeptical of easily finding this. In fact, a sexual relationship can actually hinder growth, creativity and openness.

The funny thing is that I have felt a loss ever since getting divorced about certain activities I enjoy doing. Making food, eating, and cleaning the dishes is one of my favorite things. I was at such a loss when I couldn't do this with my partner anymore. Duh!? Hello?! there are other people in the world. Wednesdays at work are now food Wednesdays, I cook rice and beans or pasta and 7-15 people all eat together. I keep my kitchen at home super clean, and my roommates are so happy. I hug my roommates every time I see them and ask them how their day is going. I give friends small gifts, and it fills them with joy. These gestures are not things limited to a 2 person relationship. The whole world is there to accept your love and giving-ness. This is an important lesson I have learned.

I think it is important to appreciate every relationship you have with other people that makes you grow and feeds your spirit, and shy away from situations that do the opposite, whether they be family, friends, co-workers, sexual partners, neighbors or strangers.

body language and faces don't lie

2009-03-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

"Oh, hello there sir. How are you feeling today?"

"blah blah blah lie lie lie, blah blah, lie"

This is how we communicate in words. Words can be anything, especially things that may not be true. The true communicator of how we are feeling is through our body language, and most importantly, our faces. Let's try this again.

"Hmm... I wonder how this person is doing? Well, their skin is dry and crinkled, their face is scrunged, eyebrows down and lips curled, they're walking fast and hunched over, and they seem tense, but I asked them how they are doing and they said 'GREAT!'" I wonder how this person is feeling?

"Oh wait, this guy is leaning a little back and walking slowly, has a smile on his face, seems to be taking his time, he looks ten years younger than his actual age, his face is relaxed, and he stopped effortlessly to talk to me about something that is not really all too important." I wonder how this guy is feeling?

Make sure to surround yourself by people that seem relaxed and peaceful, or at least recognize how people's body language really tells the true story of who they are and how they feel. The people you surround yourself with rub off on you, and if you don't take note of this stuff, your mood will accidentally be effected by your surroundings, i.e. the body language of others.

Alone?

2009-03-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

What is being alone? The dictionary defines it as this:

separate, apart, or isolated from others

So when do we call ourselves alone? If we don't have partner i.e. girlfriend or boyfriend, are we really isolated from others? What is 'others'? Actually, without a partner, often times we are less isolated from friends, family and strangers. Often times I 'feel' alone, and in reality, I'm constantly surrounded by amazing people - friends, family, landlords, children, strangers, co-workers etc. And I'm surrounded in communication with these people in so many different ways. I have direct physical contact and interaction, I have telephone communication, we have the old school form of mail, we have email, we have instant messenger on the computer. In an instant I am connected to my family through a cell phone.
Lately I've been pondering what about technology is useful or important in the world. Is the new IPhone really making people happy? Is the new version of software I code at work really improving the lives of people? Well, there is a clear answer to some of these questions in my opinion, and that is communication. Communication has significantly improved my life, and allows me to be in California, and in an instant, talk to my mom and dad in Florida, and to my brother in Boston. Being connected with my family is one of the most important things in my life, and technology has helped me do that (in the simplest level, the telephone), but even cell phone, and email.
So back to alone. Are we ever REALLY alone? What is alone? For me, alone is a concept in my head. It is a concept of me on a desert island, with nobody in sight. It is a world where nobody cares for me, no one is around to help me. Has this ever once been the case in my life, even for a small moment? The answer is definitively, no. Therefor, alone is a concept in my brain. The reality is that whether it is the sun telling me good morning, neighborhood kids knocking at my door, a friend needing to be picked up from the airport, a housemate running in for a quick shower before yoga, a family friend seeking out his life goals while crashing on my floor, a swami guiding me through yoga from books and teachings, an adventurer showing me hidden concrete slides, bread in dumpsters, and abandoned air traffic control towers, my brother visiting me on a business trip, a quick plane ride to hang out with my dad, or a phone call from mom, I am always surrounded. Just surrounded by love.

looks != happiness

2009-03-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

I've had some stressed related stomach problems in the last year. When I get stress or anxiety, I get a knot in my stomach. This can happen as short as a day, or as long as weeks. When this happens, it is much harder for me to digest food, therefor, I stay full a lot longer, and feel bloated easily. This causes a dramatic decrease in my overall eating. Every time this happens, I lose a noticeable amount of weight in a short period of time. Here lies the irony: at a mentally unstable time (stress and anxiety) I look more physically attractive. Even I think this. I look in the mirror, and like the skinnier me. In a really superficial way, this means I enjoy being stressed.

This can't be right. This is NOT ok.

What does 'attractive' mean? It obviously can not be completely physical, especially considering the paradox I just described. Then I think about how I view girls, and what their mental state is like, and how it relates to their physical body.

Conclusion:
what you see, is not always what you get, especially concerning physical attractiveness, i.e. weight, muscle tone, make-up etc. It's possible that someone could be looking 'good', but not feeling so well. I would much rather be a little plump then 'attractive' due to stress. Turned around, I would much rather find someone based on MUCH more than physical attraction.

home

2009-03-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

what is a home? dictionary .com has many definitions:

1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4. the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5. the place or region where something is native or most common.
6. any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7. a person's native place or own country.
8. (in games) the destination or goal.
9. a principal base of operations or activities: The new stadium will be the home of the local football team.
10. Baseball. home plate.
13. principal or main: the corporation's home office.
14. reaching the mark aimed at: a home thrust.
15. Sports. played in a ball park, arena, or the like, that is or is assumed to be the center of operations of a team: The pitcher didn't lose a single home game all season. Compare away (def. 11).
17. deep; to the heart: The truth of the accusation struck home.
18. to the mark or point aimed at: He drove the point home.
19. Nautical.
a. into the position desired; perfectly or to the greatest possible extent: sails sheeted home.
b. in the proper, stowed position: The anchor is home.

ok. trust me. It goes on and on. Here is a progression of my favorites: a house, or residence of a person; the region where something is native; a principal base of operations ; into the position desired; perfectly or to the greatest possible extent; deep, to the heart; (in games) the destination or goal;

Let's assemble those and I'll tell you about the vision of my home: My home includes, but is not limited to, a house where I live, located in a region that I am adapted to both socially and geographically, connected with people and nature. My home will be the base of my operations, whether they be science, health, or healing and will bring me perfectly to the greatest possible extent of my being. My home lies deep in my heart. My home is my destination and goal.

My home is my community. Making that fit into my bedroom, which is part of my house, is currently a strong goal of mine, so that my bedroom can be a place of rest, relaxation and self discovery, rather than a source of anxiety. The transformation into my house and my room is where I need to next take my home.

Meditation Scam?!

2009-03-10T15:16:00.000-07:00

Investigation. I saw the following ad on gmail:
Free Eckhart Tolle Course - www.MasteringThePowerOfNow.com - Free
Online Course helps you master work of Eckhart Tolle. Join Today!
(http://www.masteringthepowerofnow.com/)

Oh, cool! So I clicked on it. The first thing that I thought was
wrong was it was calling it 'a FREE online course...' Course? Free?
Then it had a name and an email sign-up, which clicked the 'spam'
alert in my head. Wierd... ok. So I saw this at the bottom:
© 2009 Centerpointe Research Institute
This site is neither sponsored by, nor is it affiliated with, Eckhart Tolle,
his publishers, Oprah Winfrey, Harpo Productions, Inc., or any other
entity associated with Oprah Winfrey or Eckhart Tolle.

Not sponsored by Eckhart? Hmm... So I googled centerpointe research
institute (http://www.centerpointe.com/), and saw this on their site:
The lazy man's way to meditate
Listening to this amazing, scientifically proven brain technology
gives you all the benefits of meditation—in a fraction of the
time—easily and effortlessly...

"You told me I'd meditate like a Zen monk, literally at the touch of a button, and it's true! This is like meditation on steroids!"

"So with all these benefits, why isn't everyone meditating? You know why. To get these results, you have to meditate four or five hours a day, often for decades, and few people are willing to do this. And, meditation, especially at first, isn't much fun. The initial experience is somewhere between boring and frustrating. Finally, it takes quite a long time to notice any significant results, much less to experience the benefits I just mentioned."

HAHHAAHAH?!?!??! Ok. Crazy scam... damn people are f**** crazy and
out of their minds, trying to steal from people through meditation.

B-Day July 23rd

2008-07-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

Wowzer, I'll be 24 on July 23rd. Melanie is planning a special day for me this Saturday (Whoot!) and then I'm having a special dinner in the Mission district of San Fran with all of my bestest friends from work, Dan + Carrie, Turner, Mel and others. It should be a nice little shindig.

Finally bottled the Beer

2008-07-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

Finally, with help from my most beautiful assistant Melanie, I bottled my Amber Ale. I can name about 5 things that I did wrong in the entire process, including burning the malt, Letting it sit after fermentation for 3 weeks, letting the Temp rise up high (it was 100 degrees in Palo Alto some days), etc etc... But, as Scott Saterthwaite, my beer guru says, it will be a hell of a lot better than what they made 1000's of years ago, and, beer is beer is beer.

Mom - AES - Beer

2008-06-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

My 3 favorite things in the world - mom, audio and beer. No just kidding. My mom just left SF today and it's a sad day... no, it was really fun visiting with her! We did lots of fun SF tourist stuff. Hopefully I'll get pictures up on my site soon.

I finally nominated myself to the AES (audio engineering society) committee of SF. I think that will be a fun organization to be a part of.

I finally tasted my beer. A little strong on the hops, but overall drinkable. Yay!

5K in Santa Cruz

2008-06-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

I'm super excited. I'm finally gonna run a 5K in Santa Cruz (officially Aptos) with Melanie, my roommate Rachel and her boyfriend. We're staying in a hotel on the beach Friday night to be up early for the race. I haven't run a race since high-school, so it shouldn't be very fast, but still really fun and exciting.

Threading in Python

2008-06-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

I've been getting into some cool coding stuff at work lately. I had no idea Python was such a fully functional object oriented high level language. I successfully spawned off a Python thread that loads the automated test pilot I've been working on for the digital mixing consoles we make at Euphonix . Because it's launched in a thread, we can now monitor its progress and restart the system if its boot fails, whereas before the main thread would get stuck forever.

Beer -a- brewing

2008-06-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

I started my first home-brew Sunday. It's an American Red Ale. I'm hoping it will be done by the 4th of July. Haven't thought of a name for it yet, but some potentials are Palo Alto, Independence, Beginner's Luck... Here are the steps to brewing a partial boil home-brew:

-Heat 3 gallons of water in a stainless steel brew pot with grains included in kit
-Take grains out of the water when it reaches 170 degrees
-Once it hits a rolling boil mix in malt and stir (I forgot to stir and it burned on the bottom!)
-Now you have 60 minutes to go, and you add in your hops in 3 intervals
-60 minutes: hops for bitterness
-5 minutes: hops for flavor
-2 minutes: hops for aroma
-After 60 minutes is up, combine 'wart' (what you have so far) with 2 more gallons of boiled water into a sanitized bucket
-Cool to room temp by putting the bucket in the bathtub with cold water
-Add yeast
-Wait a few days and... bubbles! The yeast is letting off carbon dioxide!
-That's as far as I've got. I'm sure I'll post again when I bottle it.

Wow, set up my blog today!

2008-06-03T23:40:00.001-07:00

Alright, well, I've been against blogging for so long, but it's finally time. I'm getting my website back up, thought I would start a blog. Here goes nothing... and I really mean, nothing.