Happy

Am I "happy"? What does it mean to be happy? When do I feel most happy? Is happiness a fleeting moment? I feel tense and nervous most of the time. Slight unease, not extreme. With brief moments of happiness During times of self reflection. Is that "normal"? What is normal? I feel like "normal" is unhappy. Is this because I have anxiety? I feel pretty ok. I just want to be more relaxed. More happy, more of the time. What is stopping me? Are you happy? I have a lot of irrational fears. Like something is going to go deathly wrong at any moment. Where does that feeling come from? And why can't I get rid of it? I feel like At any moment every person I know could get sucked into a void and I could be stranded on this planet, alone. But it never happens. And I still fear it. Maybe it's all ok. Maybe I'm fine the way I am. Maybe.

Being Middle Aged

Yes, I am middle aged.  27.  I am right in the middle of young adults and old adults.  At work, I am the youngest.  At school, I am the oldest.  What does it feel like to be in the middle?  Isolated, although also advantageous.  My school friends are in awe that I have a professional career.  Compared to my college years, I feel balanced, in good health and in control of my life.  But to be just starting a career, well, my friends in school aren't there yet.  And at work, everyone is deep into their careers or getting close to the end.

Most people are single, or already married.  I'm engaged.  Most people have a 'home' with their parents, or have created a home themselves.  I am in the middle.  People at school respect that I'm old and wise, but I don't quite fit in.  People at work admire my youth, but don't fully respect my abilities.  I'm able to relate partially to both sides in this stage we call 'coming of age', or as I like to say 'middle-aged'. 

My Mantra

These are the truths that guide my life right now.

Don't eat too much
Probably about 2/3 of what I normally eat
Sometimes a date dipped in cashew butter is enough for breakfast


Systematically indulge in healthier pleasures
Eat sugar that comes from real food
Candy -> Dates and nut butter
     -even if that means 4 dates a day, what would I have eaten otherwise?
Cliff Bar -> Larabar (as low as 2 ingredients)
Breakfast Cereal -> Oatmeal with milk, butter and maple syrup
Potato Chips -> Popcorn
Don't hesitate to drink a moderate amount of what makes me feel good:
Alcohol -> 1 glass of red wine in the evening per day (mandatory for relaxing)
Caffeine -> up to 2 cups of Pu-erh / Green tea per day (at least 1 is mandatory for motivation)

Be conscious of  diary intake
Consume high quality, low fat milk (Strauss)
Minimize cheese intake to no more than once a day, if at all
Eat yogurt every day - low fat, plain yogurt, with maple syrup

Gluten Free
By eating gluten free, I avoid 90% of the junk-food that exists
    -'Should I have that cookie?  Oh, I can't.  What about that white roll or pizza?'

Eat meat when it's high quality, tasty and fits the occasion
Be relaxed about eating meat once a week (we're omnivores for a reason)


Give my body what it needs:
15 minutes to 1 hour of stretching / Hatha yoga per day
1 Gallon of water per day

Exercise daily with one of the following (unless recovering from previous day):
30 minute run
30 minute bike
pushups or pullups

Increase effort / decrease stress:
Chinese Proverb - 'He who rises before the sun 360 days a year never ceases to make his family rich'
Do extra, work hard, sweat, get frustrated, break through
Strive to be on the tired side rather than the lazy side

When both physical and mental health are aligned, I have about twice as much energy.  For the knowledge and will power to make this happen in my life I have to thank yoga, my family, Rachel, Santa Cruz and the countless people in my life that have inspired me to work hard, be healthy and do good. 

'Be good, do good' - Swami Sivananda of Rishikesh

anxiety disorder gives me

anxiety disorder gives me
A palpable sense of wonder
Endless Drive
True passion for love
A relentlessness will to act
Inquisition to seek the truth
Bold integrity
Attention to detail

anxiety disorder gives me
A dark sense of unease
Utter failure
Blind mistrust
Misguided intention
Emotions one step from the edge
No desire to continue

anxiety disorder give me
Beau Silver
Here I am

Who Am I

Who Am I?

I am Beau Silver
Not if I legally change my name

I am a programmer
Not if I don't write code

I am a son
Not if I become adopted by someone else

I am a lover
Not if I am celibate

I am happy
Not when I'm sad

I am my cognition
Not when I stop thinking

I have muscles
Not if I don't exercise

I am my personality
Not when I change my likes, dislikes and mannerisms

So what about 'me' is permanent? The only answer I can come up with is the essence of myself. And what word to use for that? The spirit? The soul? All I know is that there is something inside that can see what's going on. It sees Beau Silver, struggling to succeed, enjoying going on runs, going to dinner with my partner. It sees my successes and failures, joys and pains. So what is 'this' that I'm referring to? I'm calling it my spirit. It is what lives inside of me, beyond life and death. It is this special spark that makes me alive. When I identify with my spirit, rather than the mind, body and ego of 'Beau Silver', I find life much more pleasurable, and I am much less attached to outcomes. In this way, there is nothing for me to
'change' about Beau, just a shift in the way I relate to him, knowing that he is a huge part of me, but not the whole picture. Beau may never overcome all of his struggles in this lifetime, and that's ok. I wish him luck as a man on this Earth. I'll be watching with patience :)

-The Spirit who currently inhabits Beau Silver

questions lead to questions

If you were alone, what would you spend your time doing? What is meaningful to you? What if you didn't need to work for money and didn't have any friends or family. Is it important to live in harmony with nature? On the land and with the trees? Would that give you a sense of purpose? How do we connect with the Earth in our modern day society when we're stuck in conference rooms all day?

Am I doing work that is purposeful and meaningful in the world? Am I helping add meaning and wonder to the people I interact with or take it away? What if my partner left me... what would I do? Where do I draw my sense of purpose from? Why am I so afraid?

Are we grasping onto our jobs, schools, friends, families, lovers? Are we grasping onto our job titles, our qualifications, our bodies? Or are we just appreciating them and enjoying the ride? Are we here to help each other or help ourselves?

I have to work to make money. I have a partner that I will soon marry. I have a kitten that needs food. I have a body that plays sports. I have a job that I like and that needs me. I'm accepted to a school that is great. So why do I often ponder my purpose without all of these? Do I define myself through them? Am I worried I will lose them? What if I didn't have these things? What would I be then? Then why do I feel so compelled to participate in everything?

Why does someone decide to have a family? Why do I want to have a family? Do I believe in my ability to handle anything in the future? Has there been anything in the past that I haven't been able to handle?

Why am I asking so many questions?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Because I am seeking the truth.

Where does it come from?

I just ate a sandwich for lunch. Where did it all come from? Here are the ingredients:

Olive Sourdough Bread (Local Santa Cruz Bakery)
Veggie burger patty (Dr Praegaers, Trader Joe's)
Organic Cheddar Cheese (Trader Joe's)
Organic Lettuce (New Leaf)
Organic Heirloom Tomato (New Leaf)
Vegenaise (vegan mayonaise) (New Leaf)
Hummus (Trader Joe's)

Let's take them one at a time:

Olive Sourdough Bread (Local Santa Cruz Bakery)
Based on the stats, I'm gonna guess the wheat came from the San Joaquin Valley (Fresno) California. It probably arrived in Santa Cruz by truck and was purchased and baked down the street from me in a local bakery. The olives were probably grown in Tulare County, halfway between Fresno and Bakersfield, because %99 of olives grown in the US are in CA

Veggie burger patty (Dr Praegaers, Trader Joe's)
Wow, this one's hard... too many ingredients. Frankenstein!!!

Organic Cheddar Cheese (Trader Joe's)
Cow's probably from the central valley of CA

Organic Lettuce (New Leaf)
Organic Heirloom Tomato (New Leaf)
I have a feeling both of these ingredients are very local to Santa Cruz, possibly from a local farm or CSA like Live Earth Farm

Vegenaise (vegan mayonaise) (New Leaf)
This is where things get tricky... it's main ingredient is Canola oil. What is that?! Canola oil is pressed from tiny canola seeds produced by yellow flowering plants of the Brassica family. Canola was bred naturally from its parent rapeseed. %92 of domestic Canola is grown in South Dakota.

Hummus (Trader Joe's)
These chickpeas are organic, so I'm gonna say they came from a giant organic industrial farm in central california.

Well... it seems like a lot of the food came from CA, which is where I live, but not a ton of it came from Santa Cruz, or even northern California. But think about all the dirt, all over the country, and all over the world, that grew the food you put into your mouth. And the paper plate, and plastic fork, or silverware, or ceramic plate. Just by eating one meal, you are touching and ingesting things from all over the world. How thrilling and fantastic! You are connected with the entire world in one meal. Kinda feels orgasmic.

-Beau